Friday, August 01, 2008

The BIg Black Lie

So a neon sign rendition of Priyanka Chopra sauntered around a neon sign rendered city, crooning seductively about her new found beauty. Apparently, she found it in Unilever’s Pandora Box, hiding in a bathing soap called Lux Provocateur.

One boring Sunday noon, intoxicated with very, very flat beer and leftover macaroni from last night, my eyes lit, neon-signly. Whoever thought they’d play a soap ad on Cartoon Network, that too in the middle of ‘Courage, the Cowardly Dog’? I stood no chance against large media agencies.

To be fair to my cause, I wasn’t under the impression that I was made of rice lights, nor that I would magically turn into Priyanka Chopra if I bathed in Lux Provocateur. What fuelled my imagination was that the soap was black in colour.

Kaala Saabun, I thought. That’s dynamite’s nickname. Under the influence of Vijay Mallya’s only contribution to the world and the traumatic standstill of Sunday, my left brain gave way.

As fate had it, by evening, an empty fridge told me that the impending visit to the grocery store was now unprocastinatable, if there’s a word like that. So I went, heading straight for the booze.
POP and retail strategies are crafty, cunning and ruthless. They got me again. For, bang opposite my favorite wine section, stood a new brightly coloured standee.
The Lux Provocateur grinned at my hypnotized being, inviting, scheming. Unwittingly, I picked a dark chocolate coated pack and scanned the gold motifs on it.




Though I didn’t need a bath, I turned on the geezer. Ripped the package open, and the naked bar of black soap lay on my palm.

It didn’t look as exciting as I imagined.

Ssomething inside me began to break. I think it was the rumbling of my logic waking up.
Quickly, I began to look for a defense.
What color could the lather be?!


White. Bubbles… small, tiny ones.
Like in detergent soap.
Like in hand wash.
Like in every friggin’ cleaning agent based discovery since soapnuts!

I am distressed, shattered and curse EVERYONE involved in the conception, inception, production marketing and stocking of the black wonderless bar of broken neon-signed dreams, false promises and white bland bubbles and… I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate you Provocateur, you stupid spelled bar of Indian Ink! And Lux! You too! You betrayed me! You and your.. you.. black, black soaps and your celebrity caricature endorsed stupid… stupid slogans and baslines and.. and… what the hell does, ‘Ab Khoobsurati se darr kaisa?” even mean?!


Fuck you, Unilever! And all you motherfucking Js, Ws, and Ts of the world!!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!


I’m back, Harmony! Love you dear, dear Harmony. Non-endorsed by deceiving celebrity, dirty font, cheaply designed pack of Harmony. Fruity, normal colored Harmony. And your lather has bigger bubbles too, and they’re a little red and orangey and.. and blue!


Eh… That’s a good thing, right?

13 comments:

Karish said...

Get.a.life. End.of.comment.

Monolith... said...

It's spelt Geyser!!
Unless you are turning on odd or eccentric men!!

And what did you expect?? black lather?

And you have not touched upon whether the soap does anything to make you more beautiful!!

Drink less. And of all the people to fall for ads...an ad person is the last I would expect!

Monolith... said...

And what Karish said. That too.

Reshma said...

AND I HATE YOU TOO!! BOTH OF YOU!!! Lux can be spelt luKKs - and so.. both you Ks!!!!!! SEE?? SEE???

Yeah..

ok.

Jonathan said...

you use soap?

arka said...

and Kala Sabun is RDX. not dynamite. and to echo other learned people here, what did you expect? black lather?

Rae said...

ARKKKKKKA!!! There's that other frigging K!

Joe said...

tsk tsk tsk.."the naked bar of black soap"? What iz? the prelude to a lather induced porn story?

and mite i echo everyone else in wondering why ud expect black lather?

Woman?? said...

Oh... don't you listen to them spoilt sports R.

I like this. Very evocative.

And yeah... of course we would all check to see the colour of the lather.

:)

vichchoobhai said...

Why blame Hindustan Unilever? Blame your agency. Tell them the customer is not a fool. She is Reshma Tonse.

I had a friend who was in HLL as it was then known9incharge of Lux promotion) trying all sorts of gimmicks like gold coins embedded in LUX to lure customers. Mere khyal se Hindusthani log copywriting se prabhavit nahi hote hain. Kuch gift, sona, freebies dedo khoob chalega saboon
Wishing u gr8 success in client coordination

and LANGUAGE Reshma - LANGUAGE i hardly knew that your lexicon was so full of choice expletives. Gr8 vocab.

Reshma said...

eh... thanks bro. sob. i swear only when i'm very, VERY upset.

Chaggoholic.... said...

Ah that was hilarious.maybe Vijay Mallya wud be so proud of u.LOL awesome got a hearty laugh readin it....

pankaj said...

all i can say about that bit of writing is...DELICIOUS!! everybody writes, but some are undeniably a cut above the rest. (moving on the explore the rest of the blog)