Thursday, December 14, 2006

Anoxia

I've got irrational fears, too, you know.

For instance, I've always felt the next moment, I'll plop. I'll be dead. For no reason.
Just.. Game over.

I've tried to visualize what people behind me would do then. A gazillion tests, autopsies.. but no one will know how I died.

That's the fear. But there's more.. Probably a death wish.

I've always been fascinated with the sound the air makes, especially when you're racing down a highway at kill or die speed, and you can hear nothing but the wind spiraling into your ear.

I wonder what the air would've been like if it was human.
If she was human.
Air's definitely a she.

Why else would it come rushing down on you when you raced into it and play dead when you don't make a move towards it? Why else would it be ready to be inhaled knowing well it'd be exhaled, would fill a room and leave too, entering every time the doors opened, keep streaming in through spaces, in and out, out and in, and after all that ruckus, still be there all the time?

I've always believed I will be the air, someday. Not in its frantic indecisiveness, but in form. The former I've quite successfully achieved, without trying too hard.

The concept of death, is somewhere, too in your face. It just happens. BANG! POW! SWOOSH.... rigor mortis. How unvaliant!

For all the havoc I've created in others lives and in my own, the end of me can't be just froth and stiff veins.

So, I've decided I will not die.
I will just cease to exist.

Sometime, any time now, actually, I will just dissipate, evanesce into thin air. Like Maya memsaab, I will not die. I will just evaporate and I will float around for ever with no form or shape.

But then, I'll miss being an individual. And if I'm around floating about and no one really tries more than one autopsy, I'll be shattered. I'll feel extremely insignificant and unimportant, forgotten in the chaos of everyday life and worries. I guess that's what its like for the air, though.
But I'll still be around. I'll come rushing down on you when you race into me and play dead when you don't make a move towards me. I'll be inhaled knowing well I'll be exhaled, and will fill a room and leave too, enter every time the doors open, keep streaming in through spaces, in and out, out and in, and after all that ruckus, I'll still be there all the time.

You know what?
The air and I'll do just fine.

Ok, death! I'm ready!

16 comments:

Monolith... said...

"I'll feel extremely insignificant and unimportant, forgotten in the chaos of everyday life and worries."

Dont worry. You will never be forgotten. The great are never forgotten. And I think you are destined for greatness. Or maybe I am just biased!

And hope you are not planning on dying anytime soon. I need you around for a lot longer. Have a lot of things I need you to do. I'm selfish that way! ;)

Take care. Death can wait.

Santosh said...

Bitter sweetness...thy name.

Random-Tandem said...

This is V

Rather GRAVE outlook currently ain't it?? As Richard Karrinski says, "Feeling a little tense??"
Anyway, running around as a ghostly fragment or a cessation of your own existence might not entirely be too much fun..what with people walking thorugh you and all that nonsense...

Think about it...do you really wanna be dRAPED??

V

Rae said...

V: but think of all te people I WILL dRAPE!!!

monolith: AWWWWW!!!!!

Ranjitha said...

its romantic, simply because it uses an element of nature to describe something. air to describe death. it is also bold in many respects, one, u were bold enuf to say death doesnt necessarily mean ceasing to exist. (that is the most powerful line for me in this piece)

also its the product of a typical mind. u found a problem/situation - this case wat if u were suddenly grabed by death, then u found a parallel-that is the air. the mind filters the harshness of a conflict thru this process. then u comforted urself by saying that u r jus dying, not ceasing to exist. n then u r preparing to die.

typical mind wave. beautifully worded.

one original possesed by a thought piece out of u!

naveen said...

reading this i just remembered Bergman's "Seventh Seal".
The Death (personified)comes to take the life of a knight, In order to buy time he challenges Death to a chess match, which allows him to reach his home and be reunited with his wife after ten years away.

Bergman stated in an interview that the film had helped him overcome his fear of death

bergman quotes:
"The fact that i, through dying, would no longer exist, that i would walk through the dark portal, that there was something that i could not control, arrange or foresee, was for me a source of constant horror. That i plucked up my courage and depicted Death as a white clown, a figure who conversed, played chess, and had no secrets, was the first step in my struggle against my monumental fear of death."

there is this one scene my most favourite scene of all time,
the knight gives confession to a priest about his doubts whether God actually exists, he tells the priest how he challenged death to a game of chess and reveals his strategy, only to find that the "priest" is actually Death.

Anonymous said...

transcript of that scene- I see this scene quite relative to my life and conflicts, but not with death

Antonius Block (the knight) - i want to talk to you as sincerely as i can, but my heart is empty.

Death does not answer.

AB - The emptiness is like a mirror in front of my face. I can see myself in it, and i feel filled with fear and disgust.

Death does not answer.

AB - Because of my indifference to the other human beings, i got isolated. Now i live in a world of ghosts. I am trapped in my dreams and in my fantasies.

DEATH - And yet you do not want to die.

AB - Yes i do.

DEATH - And what are you waiting for?

AB - I want to know.

DEATH - Are you looking for certainties?

AB - Just call them as you want. Is it really so inconceivable to feel God with our senses? Why must he hide in a fog of half - promises and invisible miracles?

Death does not answer.

AB - How can we believe in those who have faith, if we can't believe in ourselves? What will happen to those of us who want to believe and who can't? And what will happen to those who neither want nor can believe?

The knight silently awaits for an answer, but no-one speaks. There is a full silence.

AB - Why can't i kill the God within me? Why does he keep on living in this painful and humiliating world, even though i curse him and i want to tear him with my hands off my heart? Why, in spite of all, he is an illusory reality that i can't shake off myself? Are you listening to me?

DEATH - I am.

AB - I want knowledge, not faith, not suppositions, the knowledge. I want God to stretch his hands to me, to reveal himself and talk to me.

DEATH - But he is silent.

AB - I call him in the dark, but it looks like no-one is there.

DEATH - Maybe there's no-one.

AB - Then, life is an atrocious horror. Nobody can live waiting to die and knowing that everything is nothing.

DEATH - Most people never think over death or life's futility.

AB - But one day their time will come, and they will face the darkness.

DEATH - When that day comes..

AB - Within our fears, we made up an image, and we call this image God.

Anonymous said...

I've never really thought about air that way. I liked what u said..

Air's definitely a she.

This article is like a yoga exercise. Lots of breathing in,breathing out..full of peace and serenity.Didnt find anything grave about it..makes death sound like a welcome vacation...peaceful sleep..another good one!

the still dancer said...

Keats: Ode To a Nightingale

"Darkling I listen, and for many a time,
I've been half in love with easeful death,
Called him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath.
Now, more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy..."


Also read the short story called "Eyes Do More Than See" by Asimov.
There, I've completely spoiled it for you, haven't I?

vichchoobhai said...

Beautifully written panegyric on breath of life, its subtle transformation to death and ultimate negation of death itself.

"If I were a dead leaf thou mightest bear;
If I were a swift cloud to fly with thee;
A wave to pant beneath thy power and share
The impulse of thy strength, only less free,
Than thou, oh uncontrollable! Even if I were
as in my boyhood, and could be The comrade of thy wanderings over Heaven,
As then to outsrip thy skyey speed
Scarce seemed a vision, I could never have striven......

The Trumpet of a prophecy, O Wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind? " - P.B. Shelley's Ode to the West Wind.

The fear of death has been swept away from my mind! Death comes, and yet it does not come ( Maut aaati hai phir bhi nahin aati - Mirza Ghalib)

Venom said...

Fabullous work! all of it! Have to blogroll you!!

Grishma said...

After all the other comments I just don't know what to say! I love the way you write. =)

Oh and I'm waay too fucked up to ever consider being a therapist. =)

Monolith... said...

Just to let you know that my blog URL is now http://www.kbzcorner.blogspot.com/

therapy said...

oh...anonymous said what i wanted to.

air is a she. and i would have never known it. i'm so enchanted by this one.

spirit of the dark said...

If death was merely a step towards change, if air was what you become when molecules are rearranged, then truly the form we have is a temporary preparation for a formless existence.

Your work is beautifully written. Never stop beautifying the world with your works.

Woman?? said...

Hmmm...
So much of life is spent pondering death.